Stay tuned. He told me I "owed" him $30 for something. I just turned and looked at him and said "We are in debt $55,000, I don't have the money". Well, yes, I blindsided him I guess. I had'nt planned on saying it this way, but it is how it came out. He asked how I (hello, yes, I) got us into so much debt. (No WE here). Then he asked how I plan on getting us out of debt. I should have a full time job (yes, but no one will hire me!! I AM trying!!) And he guesses HE will have to take over paying the bills and I said NO, WE should handle this together, like it should have been long ago. Anyway, initial conversation. He left, probably to go buy beer, cause this is how he deals with things. At least no "D" word so far.
I just told DH about the debt......
July 10th, 2008 at 02:31 am
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July 10th, 2008 at 02:23 pm 1215696186
If I were you I would probably apologize to him for hiding the debt, or not keeping him in the loop, or whatever the circumstance was. I would also apologize the way you approached the subject.
I would also say that he may have a trust issue with you now. Again, I don’t know your exact circumstance, I’m just implying by what I read.
In the same conversation, I would also start to talk about how WE need to create a budget together and WE need to work on this. The way WE have been doing things hasn’t been working.
I also think he may need time to digest everything. But I think disarming the situation by apologizing and then offering a solution on how to move forward is what I would do. You just don’t want the conversation to dissolve to a tit for tat thing. If it starts to, I would end the conversation like we are both getting a little heated so let’s take a break.
I don’t mean to imply that it is all your fault, but someone has to take the first step.
I do wish you the best of luck
July 10th, 2008 at 02:48 pm 1215697711
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July 10th, 2008 at 04:00 pm 1215702010
I think Merch has some good advice, although with my DH there would have been no good way to bring up this kind of topic - I would have gotten the same response no matter how it came up. In fact, a quick shot like this one, rather than a drawn out conversation, probably would have been best for us.
July 10th, 2008 at 04:35 pm 1215704118
I looked back at your "Frustrations" category and saw your entry about the necklace you asked him not to get. Hopefully you've tracked some other big-ticket purchases of his in case he insists the debt is all yours. I agree with Merch that a conciliatory approach now that you've given the shock would be a good thing, but just in case he sticks to his guns and doesn't take responsibility, you should have some facts to refute that.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:24 pm 1215725057
July 11th, 2008 at 04:18 am 1215746329
Merch, I told him I was struggling to pay bills. He knows we are in debt and I keep a written list of what we owe, available at all times and he has full knowledge of where this list is and that I would be willing to discuss things with him about it. He CHOOSE not to know. He did'nt want to know. On the whole, I think he resents be a "sole" supporter. If anything I do feel guilty I have'nt found a full time job sooner to help out.
Today he called me and said I need to make a plan to get us out of debt. Heck, if I had that plan, I would have done it alot sooner. Since he has been home from work, I have tried to talk to him and he is not responsive. He is mad I bought our daughter school supplies (she starts next Thursday, year round school.) He has to understand that life has to move on, debt or no debt.
Our bills are still paid every month, no late pays, and our credit ratings are still good. Our house is safe, we just have debt. A LOT of it! I just want him to share in the responsibilities of paying these bills and helping me how to figure out how to pay for things.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:28 pm 1215815291
July 12th, 2008 at 01:36 am 1215822987
Start with one debt at a time and put anything you can come up with towards the debt. Are you living above your means? Are there expenses you will need to cut out? Work on it together...it can be done!
Best wishes!
July 14th, 2008 at 02:07 am 1215997665
July 16th, 2008 at 06:06 am 1216184791
You have remodled your bath, held 40th birthday parties, taken vacations, ets...this is not just frivulous stuff...it was important to you, him and your family...remember that!!!
Hugs as you work through it Kat.