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I just told DH about the debt......

July 9th, 2008 at 06:31 pm

Stay tuned. He told me I "owed" him $30 for something. I just turned and looked at him and said "We are in debt $55,000, I don't have the money". Well, yes, I blindsided him I guess. I had'nt planned on saying it this way, but it is how it came out. He asked how I (hello, yes, I) got us into so much debt. (No WE here). Then he asked how I plan on getting us out of debt. I should have a full time job (yes, but no one will hire me!! I AM trying!!) And he guesses HE will have to take over paying the bills and I said NO, WE should handle this together, like it should have been long ago. Anyway, initial conversation. He left, probably to go buy beer, cause this is how he deals with things. At least no "D" word so far.

19 Responses to “I just told DH about the debt......”

  1. gamecock43 Says:

    wow...good luck with that one. Do not let him make you feel awful about yourself or blame you.

  2. gamecock43 Says:

    keep us updated

  3. frugaltexan75 Says:

    Wow boo! Hoping the next conversation (s) go well.

  4. sillyoleme Says:

    At least you got it started (even if it wasn't the way you had planned). I would make sure he understands that it wasn't "you" who made all this debt. Let us know how it goes!

  5. Lady T Says:

    It's out in the open now, which is a good thing. I hope he will work with you now (maybe after he gets past the initial shock) and not put the entire burden on you. I just watched an Oprah episode w/Suze Orman where the couple was in a ton of debt and the husband said he didn't know. Suze told him he KNEW ... he may not have known the exact numbers, but he KNEW and he chose to hide his head in the sand. He had to admit that was true. It was a powerful show. My thoughts are with you, and please do keep us updated! ((hugs))

  6. compulsive debtor Says:

    Just stay strong, Boo. Remember it's his debt as well as yours. Like Suze Orman said on Oprah, "he KNEW!."

  7. scfr Says:

    Whew - Well, he was in shock. Hopefully the next conversation will go better.

  8. baselle Says:

    Well, its out and about. And when its out and about it can be faced and dealt with. Remember we are all here for you!

  9. merch Says:

    He should have known. That may be the case. But I believe it is deflecting some of the responsibility. If I read your blog right (and I may be wrong), there was this debt you knew about but your husband may not have been known the full extent. And in the heat of the moment, you said we are 55k in debt and he stormed out.

    If I were you I would probably apologize to him for hiding the debt, or not keeping him in the loop, or whatever the circumstance was. I would also apologize the way you approached the subject.

    I would also say that he may have a trust issue with you now. Again, I donít know your exact circumstance, Iím just implying by what I read.

    In the same conversation, I would also start to talk about how WE need to create a budget together and WE need to work on this. The way WE have been doing things hasnít been working.

    I also think he may need time to digest everything. But I think disarming the situation by apologizing and then offering a solution on how to move forward is what I would do. You just donít want the conversation to dissolve to a tit for tat thing. If it starts to, I would end the conversation like we are both getting a little heated so letís take a break.

    I donít mean to imply that it is all your fault, but someone has to take the first step.

    I do wish you the best of luck

  10. Ima saver Says:

    I wish you the best of luck also!!

  11. JanH Says:

    Oh, Boo, keep us informed! Hope he realizes that it was a joint effort getting into it and a joint effort getting out. Hugs to you today!

  12. Petunia Says:

    Good luck to you.

    I think Merch has some good advice, although with my DH there would have been no good way to bring up this kind of topic - I would have gotten the same response no matter how it came up. In fact, a quick shot like this one, rather than a drawn out conversation, probably would have been best for us.

  13. ceejay74 Says:

    I think getting it out suddenly was the only way, because if he knew you were going to talk about debt, likely he would have ducked out on the conversation.

    I looked back at your "Frustrations" category and saw your entry about the necklace you asked him not to get. Hopefully you've tracked some other big-ticket purchases of his in case he insists the debt is all yours. I agree with Merch that a conciliatory approach now that you've given the shock would be a good thing, but just in case he sticks to his guns and doesn't take responsibility, you should have some facts to refute that.

  14. pjmama Says:

    Good luck, sounds like your in a stick situation. I hope he comes to his senses at some point and realizes that you guys are in this together (or at least should be).

  15. boomeyers Says:

    Hey guys! I was proud he did not go buy beer! This means he is actually thinking about it!

    Merch, I told him I was struggling to pay bills. He knows we are in debt and I keep a written list of what we owe, available at all times and he has full knowledge of where this list is and that I would be willing to discuss things with him about it. He CHOOSE not to know. He did'nt want to know. On the whole, I think he resents be a "sole" supporter. If anything I do feel guilty I have'nt found a full time job sooner to help out.

    Today he called me and said I need to make a plan to get us out of debt. Heck, if I had that plan, I would have done it alot sooner. Since he has been home from work, I have tried to talk to him and he is not responsive. He is mad I bought our daughter school supplies (she starts next Thursday, year round school.) He has to understand that life has to move on, debt or no debt.

    Our bills are still paid every month, no late pays, and our credit ratings are still good. Our house is safe, we just have debt. A LOT of it! I just want him to share in the responsibilities of paying these bills and helping me how to figure out how to pay for things.

  16. gamecock43 Says:

    sounds like a great start! Keep in mind that though he wants you to get a plan together to decrease the debt, congratulate yourself on not getting into more debt due to your due dilligence.

  17. creditcardfree Says:

    You do need to come up with a plan together, but you could make the first step with a proposed plan. I think you know what needs to be done, you just want his support along the way.

    Start with one debt at a time and put anything you can come up with towards the debt. Are you living above your means? Are there expenses you will need to cut out? Work on it together...it can be done!

    Best wishes!

  18. crazyliblady Says:

    After he gets past the initial shock, you should approach him with the idea of the two of you working on paying off the debt as a team. You could create ways to trim down your expenses, such as phone, cable/satellite, food, etc. so that you have more money to pay towards debt. If your children are old enough to understand money, maybe they have some ideas on what to do. If you are currently using credit cards, you should stop using them. I guess that probably sounds obvious, but a lot of people don't think about it. One way I create a little extra pocket money is do a lot of online surveys. It doesn't make much money, usually an extra $5 or $10 here and there. If you accumulate 1000 points at Global Testmarket, you can cash in your points for $50.

  19. Thrifty Ray Says:

    Kat- you had to start the communication somehow and it is now started. While $55k sounds like a lot to some...it is not an unheard of amount of debt...and is a doable amount to repay with a good plan. As you work it out, remember that it is important to both have some disposable pocket change to do with at will. IMHO, if you HAD been working full time, that number would be higher (not lower) because of meals out, guilty purchases, and entitlement spending. You both need to own this and move forward.

    You have remodled your bath, held 40th birthday parties, taken vacations, ets...this is not just frivulous stuff...it was important to you, him and your family...remember that!!!

    Hugs as you work through it Kat.

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